So many people are struggling with the phone thing. If it’s not work, the news will get ya. And everyone realizes that they’re bad for mental health but if they weren’t addictive they wouldn’t be so hard to put away. What’s your take on when is it ok for kids to start using them?
My kids have phones (my daughter's doesn't have service yet, but only because I can't get the old phone I gave her to work). My 13yo son's big developmental years in terms of friendship-making were during COVID, so screens were *literally* the only way they communicated, and (to my chagrin) that method of communication has continued to feel comfortable for them. I'll tell you what, though -- when he was a new student and terrified about having to make new friends only to get shut up in the house, like, immediately upon enrolling...lord, was I ever grateful for FaceTime. By the time school reopened and they all met in person it was like they were already old friends.
Now, of course, he's on devices ALL THE TIME. I feel better about the fact that he's not isolating himself -- he's sitting on the phone FaceTiming with friends while they play video games together -- and there are certain games that I think are just mind-blowing and educational and cool (the VR painting program is crazy-cool and a way to explore art without having to spend bazillions of dollars on supplies)...but STILL. The phone is already a physical part of his body, and that bothers me.
That said, I truly don't know how he'd participate in his friendship group without one -- it's just how they communicate with each other, make plans, help each other with homework, etc. (Am I terrified of what they're looking at on these phones when I'm not around? Yes. But to some extent, I have to trust my son and trust that we have open enough communication so that he'll understand, for example, why the porn I am SURE his friends have shown him is deeply problematic.)
Moving on.
My daughter is 10, and I'm starting to see the ways in which her not being able to text with friends is getting in the way of her burgeoning independent friendships (meaning friendships not dictated by which moms *I* want to hang out with) -- they literally all have phones, and all group text and chat and FaceTime and such daily, and it's tough for her not to be a part of that. She's constantly borrowing *my* phone to text friends, and that's also, ya know, super annoying. So the truth is I'm in the process of figuring out an inexpensive way to secure a *real* one for her ASAP.
These are not perfect answers. Of course I wish they were all out climbing trees or whatever, but remember what we did? I mean, I was sitting in Central Park in the dark drinking '40s, and my parents had zero way to reach me, and being bullied at school in fully analog ways that were no less painful. So it seems like every generation has their things that the grownups hate that they do. This is just our particular cross to bear.
And some kids, I'm sure, are avoiding devices (because their parents won't let them have them)! For mine, though, their social development has been intimately tied to the use of devices, and while I don't know how that'll impact them in the future, at present it feels not only like it's "just the way it is"...but like it might be actually *helping* them connect in this weird, new (and often very isolating) world.
I really appreciate the honest answer, thank you! I’m approaching this stage with my kids, 8 and 6, and truly don’t know the best approach - phone addiction is REAL (hubby is trying unsuccessfully to fight it) but I also don’t want to get in the way of their friendships if that’s how it’s done these days.
So many people are struggling with the phone thing. If it’s not work, the news will get ya. And everyone realizes that they’re bad for mental health but if they weren’t addictive they wouldn’t be so hard to put away. What’s your take on when is it ok for kids to start using them?
God, I wish I had the answer, but here's my take.
My kids have phones (my daughter's doesn't have service yet, but only because I can't get the old phone I gave her to work). My 13yo son's big developmental years in terms of friendship-making were during COVID, so screens were *literally* the only way they communicated, and (to my chagrin) that method of communication has continued to feel comfortable for them. I'll tell you what, though -- when he was a new student and terrified about having to make new friends only to get shut up in the house, like, immediately upon enrolling...lord, was I ever grateful for FaceTime. By the time school reopened and they all met in person it was like they were already old friends.
Now, of course, he's on devices ALL THE TIME. I feel better about the fact that he's not isolating himself -- he's sitting on the phone FaceTiming with friends while they play video games together -- and there are certain games that I think are just mind-blowing and educational and cool (the VR painting program is crazy-cool and a way to explore art without having to spend bazillions of dollars on supplies)...but STILL. The phone is already a physical part of his body, and that bothers me.
That said, I truly don't know how he'd participate in his friendship group without one -- it's just how they communicate with each other, make plans, help each other with homework, etc. (Am I terrified of what they're looking at on these phones when I'm not around? Yes. But to some extent, I have to trust my son and trust that we have open enough communication so that he'll understand, for example, why the porn I am SURE his friends have shown him is deeply problematic.)
Moving on.
My daughter is 10, and I'm starting to see the ways in which her not being able to text with friends is getting in the way of her burgeoning independent friendships (meaning friendships not dictated by which moms *I* want to hang out with) -- they literally all have phones, and all group text and chat and FaceTime and such daily, and it's tough for her not to be a part of that. She's constantly borrowing *my* phone to text friends, and that's also, ya know, super annoying. So the truth is I'm in the process of figuring out an inexpensive way to secure a *real* one for her ASAP.
These are not perfect answers. Of course I wish they were all out climbing trees or whatever, but remember what we did? I mean, I was sitting in Central Park in the dark drinking '40s, and my parents had zero way to reach me, and being bullied at school in fully analog ways that were no less painful. So it seems like every generation has their things that the grownups hate that they do. This is just our particular cross to bear.
And some kids, I'm sure, are avoiding devices (because their parents won't let them have them)! For mine, though, their social development has been intimately tied to the use of devices, and while I don't know how that'll impact them in the future, at present it feels not only like it's "just the way it is"...but like it might be actually *helping* them connect in this weird, new (and often very isolating) world.
I really appreciate the honest answer, thank you! I’m approaching this stage with my kids, 8 and 6, and truly don’t know the best approach - phone addiction is REAL (hubby is trying unsuccessfully to fight it) but I also don’t want to get in the way of their friendships if that’s how it’s done these days.